Courage

I wish I had the courage to stop.
The courage to fall.
The courage to stand tall.
The courage to speak the truth.
The courage to be myself.
And the courage to love me for who I am.

But there are days where courage is short,
And i'm falling 6 feet underground.
And all that surrounds me,
Is the echoing sounds of misery.
I feel hurt, lost, and confused.

I don't know you
But I want you
All the more for that
Words fall through me
And always fool me
And I can't react
And games that never amount
To more than they're meant
Will play themselves out

Take this sinking boat and point it home
We've still got time
Raise your hopeful voice you have a choice
You'll make it now

Falling slowly, eyes that know me
And I can't go back
Moods that take me and erase me
And I'm painted black
You have suffered enough
And warred with yourself
It's time that you won

Falling slowly sing your melody
I'll sing along

2 things I could never forgive; Cheating & Hurt.

The only two things you're capable of.

L: I feel so lost sometimes.
S: I'll buy you a compass for Christmas
L: =.=

<3 Retards

Dumb&Dumber you TWO scheming retards! I still love you. Better be worth it. x

The echoing winds serenade as the tainted skies stain. Night washes over as the dwelling sun retreats. Picturesque skies streaked by the glowing moon accentuated by the lost stars.

And all that stood were two souls.

The rippled shirt tightened around his developed arms. His silhouette traced along his marbled chest. With his arm around her waist, they stood synchronously silent. The chorus of beating hearts. The overlapping of breaths. The silent hum of his voice.

Stranger than fiction.

Dear readers, I know i have been neglecting my duties as informant, but this blog is not the only way I stay connected. Needless to say, I am LARA and I need no introduction to the world of gossips and dilemmas. If i was born a few years earlier, i would have invented them. But then again, I can't chose the year i was born in nor could i choose my family. Glad to say, they chose me. Well, there wasn't much of a choice. Who knew they struck lucky when they had me. Okay, perhaps that was my big head talking. Then again, dad says my head isn't proportional to my shapely body. Round IS a shape after all isn't it? He claims my head to empty, thus too small, to suit my body. Besides the point.

Anyway, my blog has been pretty barren for a while. I can actually see the dust balls rolling of the is-it-updated-yet blog; my blog. So i guess you might have realized i didn't type this post from my grave, so i'm pretty much alive and breathing. No need to panic. Had bouts of retail therapy just to soothe the chaotic mind. And while my mind was on its chaotic mode, the shopping got a little chaotic too. But it's me, and i have great clothes and it's all to the glory of online access. Two thumbs up for the shops, and two thumbs up for the shopper. All in all, a very i'm-going-to-look-slutty-with-my-killer-heels productive week.

Life in school is pretty much the same. Scandals in this corner, babies-being-made in that corner. Typical teenager-meets-horny-side moments, a classic in concord. And i need not justify myself, but I have been that good girl with the nerdy glasses. Who would have expected that. Not involving myself in scandals yet. Not voluntary anyway. Besides, I've learnt, never kiss and tell. (That was a figure of speech/metaphor. Isn't my teacher making you proud?)

That's pretty much it. Oh yes, I've got myself messing around with the wrong bunch. The killer maths bunch. Literally. Too many numbers, too few reasons. But if i do do well, i'll be beaming with pride. I'm actually quite proud of my Maths modules now, really. Makes me feel... what's above genius? Oh right, makes me feel, ME. How did you NOT see that coming. Anyway, for random proud-of-myself-moments, i shall list out my maths modules.

Core Maths 1, 2 ,3, 4
Further Pure 1, 2, 3
Mechanics 1, 2, 3,
Stats 1, 2.

Doesn't that just shock you. Coming from the girl who flunked form 4 additional maths. HAH In your faces.

P/s: Lara's random silent thought. One answer, Three words, Eight letters, and I'm yours. I won't wait forever.

Well, I thought I could just get over you, baby
But I see there's something I just can't do
From the way you would hold me
To the sweet things you told me
I just can't find a way to let go of you

Through those doors came familiarity. And my heart skipped a beat. I miss you, I do.

There's only one answer for the many problems.
There's only one way to deal with the pain.
There's only one solution.

When you stopped caring, i stopped writing.

There are two types of secrets; The ones we keep from others, and the ones we keep from ourselves.

And her arms became her canvas.

Is it me, or is it just pure imagination that being medic has more perks and brings in more cash? The advertising, the promoting, the propaganda, are they just short of smart people, or are they just trying to lure you to the dark side with all the benefits that you'd only attain after 7 years of blood and sweat. Quite literally and in that order too. But what is this great hype about medic? The pocket-sagging pay or the tittle? The prospects of you being a medic seems to have self-granted itself a rather alluring tittle. And the relatives beaming at their over-achieving kids. But what about non-medics? Are they short on talent? Are they less brilliant? You tell me. It seems the world just tends to focus on the world of medicine. Sure the pay is ridiculously benefitial, but what about being a teacher. You can still emboss the DR initials on your letterheads, note pads, business cards, but why is it less reputable? Concord has this great emphasis on medics, but alot less on engineering (my course) let alone on humanities. Is it that much easier to get accepted than if you did meds, or is it because engineering does not seem as prominent as being a medic? Perhaps it is in occurance to the large number or medic wanna-be that if granted first choice uni's will help boost our status? Yes, it probably is because we might have gotten 97% of our medic applicants into uni, but the rest of the school have had it harder. Being neglected and often looked down on. So yes, I don't think the school is being fair. Being vastly talented, it sure is a waste to only have medics prepared for their oh-so-big day and everyone else is just insignificant. To be honest, you don't have to be all brains to be a medic. I don't look up to them, nor look down. As far as careers go, we're at par. A job is just a job. It stems from passion and grows into a life. It doesn't become a job or a task, it's a hobby. And that defines our careers. Just because you know biology doesn't mean I don't know about it. Non-medics often excluded from many many interesting debates, discussions and events. So what puts them on the superior list to non-medics? I will proudly say, i didn't jump on the bandwagon and bought myself a white coat and labelled my books, DR.Lara. Not in the medical sense anyway. It's not fair to me, that people look down on engineering. More so when you're a girl. Do not be gender biased. It doesn't involve testosterone to get the job right.

To my family, I hope you read this and understand what it's like for me to stand below your shadows. When you come from a family of medics, you've seen it all before. But it isn't where when you exclude me. I have the right to be heard, i have the rights to an opinion. Despite the job, it is we who define what we'd become.

All this superirority given to medics, there are things greater than that. To you who thinks I'm just for usage, fuck off. There are other people around you than yourself. Think of others before you think about yourself. I'm not someone you can just use. I am human and I have feelings. Surprised? Yeah. Try hurting and you'd understand why I am a bitch.

I can't find the voice to express the burgeoning hurt my weak heart carries. The dismantled pieces strewn across troubled water. The sound of laughter hollows in my chest. My character pretentious to false care.

I just want to see you again.

Maybe if i was a medic, my world wouldn't be falling apart.
Maybe if i was a medic, you'd love me more.
Maybe if i was a medic, I wouldn't feel so hurt.

Being back is depressing and i look for you to cheer me up.

Will my family just stop trying to hold me down. I want to reach for something further, but this leash around my ankle holds me down. Just stop. Please let me go.

P/s: Sometimes I'd wish you would understand that this isn't just a dream, it's a need.

I won't keep fighting about someone so insignificant. You have to trust me. I won't break your trust like how you did with mine. But what's over is over and it's done.

x

Thanks love.

Some people just have it all, others have to work for it.

I absofuckinglutely miss home.
I miss my boys, even after not sending me off, ever.
I sometimes just really am fucked up.
I am not a medic and the second grandchild to not be one.
I usually try to put on a brave front, but really i'm just a coward.
I am not as outspoken as it seems.
I just want to run away so badly.
I have a problem that i can't stop.
I am glad to have you.
I wish you weren't such a dick sometimes.
I can't help but date seniors.
I want an awesome 18th.
I don't have to pretend to be nice, i am.
I am a bitch because I'm just being honest.
I really really really need you.

Cause i <3 her!

Mr Hot Lips,
I feel like sucking the life out of your hot lips. Please marry me! You're so hot, even the sun can't compare. Even when you sweat, beads of flame roll down your oh-so-cute face with those even hotter lips. I'm dying inside! So please, just marry me!

Love always,
Little-miss-long-flexible-legs-who-can't-jump [inside joke]

Everyday it feels like i'm losing you. Little by little. And losing you, is like losing that constant. Without it, i'm broken.

I'm not ready to face the world. Please don't leave me.

Dear you,
I told you to read this, because you should know how much you mean to me. You made summer wonderful. Through the toughest, you held my hands and helped me through. You showed how much fun simple things can offer. You're always around to cheer me up and you'd always take that minute to talk to me. I look into you for that confidence, because you're that person that shows us how to live and how to smile. I don't know how to thank you enough. Words seem so hollow next to all that you've done. I wish I could bring you back, so I'd have you and so that we could get through life together. I'll miss you so much!
Love always.

I count the minutes on the clock,
I count the days as they rolled by..
not here to listen when I talk
not here to hold me when I cry..
and as the weeks passed on
and you're still gone
I will wish that you were here..
and now I close my eyes
ask myself why?
why did you disapear?

summer seasons come and gone
now the leaves fall from the trees
and like the branches my hearts barren,
your voice echoes in the breeze.
so winter's yet to come
my hopes are numb
and as winter nears
only to feed my fears
it feels colder than before..

where are you now?
where have you gone?
are you ever coming back
is this your way of moving on?
look into my eyes
you will find what you're searching for
you will raise again in me she said
of the fire that burns forever more

Without You by Howie Day ft. John Mayer

The echoes of a familiar tune fills the empty. These 4 walls hold all boundaries. What am I to do without you, but to await a return.

What am I to do without you. Who am I to talk to late at night. When am I to see you next. How am I to carry on. It's hard without you now, harder without you later.

You still remain my best kept secret

Because the boy wanted a post about him. So here,YEOH EE JON your post so you wouldn't feel so jealous.

So we went out for dinner with Daryl too because i felt abandoned and forced people to go out before i left with a tantrum! =) We watched Final Destination 4 which was bloody-filled gruesome. And that's the night in a nutshell. So, Jon there's your post! Happy?

Gosh, this felt like me writing some... It feels weird writing about people. I don't do gossip blogs. It's not like their famous or something.

Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a new Fatpipe. Well, it's either that, or a just-add-water maid that I can bring back to UK.

Love-with-milk-and-cookies,
LARA

It's hard to deal with the pain of losin' you everywhere I go
But I'm doin' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still harder gettin' up, gettin' dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade, give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

The effort I'm making, isn't exactly working. I've got less than 2 weeks, and all i want is a reason to miss home. Something to remember summer by. Honestly, fuck it. If no one is going to entertain my efforts, i give up trying. You should be ashamed of yourselves really. Which part of being an outcast is comforting. I'm an outcast from my family, i'm now an outcast of my friends. At least I'm trying here.

Max's point of view on my friends. Great. =)

1. How old are you?
As old as my mind wants me to be, which is about 97.

2. Are you single?
I hope i haven't expanded to a double.

3. At what age do you think you'll get married?
Tomorrow morning. That would make me... (I lost count)

4. Do you think you'll marrying the person you are with now?
Right as-we-speak-on-my-bed now? Nah

5. If not, who do you want to marry?
I have a choice?! I'd marry... oh shucks i can't decide between Fabregas or...

6. Who will be your bridesmaid & bestman?
Screw bridesmaid when you already have a maid! But i guess, i'll pick... I can't decide either. I'm not very decisive am i!

7. Do you want a garden/beach or traditional wedding?
Beach!

8. Where do you plan to go on honeymoon?
Elope to the amazon rainforest to have many monkey-look-a-like babies.

9. How many guests do you think you'll invite?
As many possible. Even if it don't fit on the beach, we'll stretch all the way into the sea!

10. Will that include your exes?
Why not? It won't be scandalous otherwise!

11. How many layers of cake do you want?
Let's not get greedy, maybe 7?

12. When do you want to get married, morning or evening?
Sunset. So that the photos would look picture perfect and i wouldn't have to get up too early

13. Name the song/tune you'd like to play at your wedding..
One of those horror tunes!

14. Do you prefer fine dining or just normal spoon&fork?knife?
Do you not use fork and spoons and knives for fine dining too? Or would they actually spoon feed you?

15. Champagne or red wine?
Champagne

16. Honeymoon right after the wedding or days after the wedding?
Maybe 2 days after. One day to cure the hangover, another day to remove the makeup.

17. Money or household items as gifts?
How about cars?

18. How many kids would you like to have?
Adoption sounds good.

19. Will you record your honeymoon in DVD/CD?
Perhaps, if it's something wild caught on tape!

20. Whose wedding plan would you like to know next?
No fucking one.

I'm too tired of fighting.
I'm too tired of crying.
I'm too tired of hurting.

I can't do it another night. I'm too tired.

She holds vault to many different lies. But her story lies in no one but herself. She's fragile to the touch and she fears being shattered. For now she'll stay away and await help in shining armour.

Thanks for keeping me in your prayers, i didn't get kidnapped by pirates, nor did i get eaten by a shark. Thought the shark-eating-me sounds like a win win situation really. The sharks wins by feasting on tender meat, and i win by, well, i finally get that damsel-in-distress dramatic ending. But that didn't happen, so well, i'm still bored, so i will still irritate the life out of you. Yay you.

I'm back into the heavy depths of civilisation. Concrete walls, smoke-filled airs, pretty much smells likes KL. I shall not elaborate much on it, but Sipadan/Kapalai was sun-burnt-awesome! Pretty fishes, the few jelly fishes and TURTLES. I saw actual the-size-of-a-moris-minor turtle! But i loved it there. No in-room TV but just lots of sea, not-so-much sand, and lots of fishes. Swarms of schools of fishes.

Well, perhaps news has gotten around, but never mind you, this is my blog and i'll boast until the moon turns into cheese, but you would have never guessed it, but i'm a brooding genius. I must have caught some genius strain while i was rolling on the grass with some sheep, because i'm proud to say book diffusion actually works. Sleeping on books help the lazy fingered to study. Mission proved by ME. Well i'll just skip to the chase, i'm a Double-Almost-Triple-Aced Genius. That's right, yours truly is on the high road to building terrorist planes and flying cars. The anxiety-cum-tension-cum-frustration bottled up since early june has finally be released. My results are out and despite my mother hovering I clicked OPEN and read my fate. I was thinking if i didn't like it, perhaps i could just click refresh till i got the grades i wanted. But then again, after tiresome trials of refreshing the page before my finger got numb, the result remained unchanged. So much for my theory. The anxiety rolled me over and my hands were trembling. I couldn't tell if it was with fear or with excitement. I read through the slip and saw a whole load of a's and b's and i freaked. I didn't know how to read my slip. And the anxiety began. AGAIN. I was in a frantic rush/worry. In between getting Facebook updates of successful Cambridge applicants and first choice submissions, i was slowly losing hair. And poof, my connection got cut. I suspect it was the heavy load of the results it was carrying that cut the lines. And when it was back my gmail read Gmail-Inbox(2)-... and my heart paced against my bra and it was about to break loose and while my mouse hovered over the mail, i tried to pretend i was collected. I had to, the eyes of the world were on me as i sat in the lounge waiting my make-or-break mail. And i DID IT! I clicked and....

[cues suspenseful music]

I DID IT baby! I'll be flying you planes and building em fast cars. I got AAB. And the B was for chem. I freaking aced my physics baby! All the panic of paper-was-too-hard-why-are-you-smiling and it was all for nothing. I aced it BABY! =D Be proud. My mum lacks my enthusiasm for some unknown reason, but i think i did superb. Considering my Chem i got 79.3 i just needed that 0.7 to give me that A. But i ACED it. Well to my standards anyway. I'm not aiming for a Mensa status-quo but i would like to think i did worthy of my 6 months of intense studying. Be proud, it wasn't easy considering i flunked easter's and that was considered my trials. Hmmm, i'm proud of myself.

Humour me and just let me gloat for a while longer.

Well, lets just say, i wasn't expecting what i got. It's your choice to imagine which way it went.